Translated from original future language, may not be word perfect:
"HOLY SHIT DADDY! You mean people actually believed there was a MASSIVE FUCKING ASS BEING that CREATED THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING IN IT and he made 10 rules and gave them to 1 person (who was probably crazy) and then told everyone to kill each other to be purified? HOLY SHIT then fucked some virgins brains out with his MASSIVE ASS COCK and forgot to ware protection and then she had a kid who could WALK ON WATER WITHOUT WATER SHOES LIKE MINE? OMG then he created WINE FROM WATTER WITHOUT A PARTICLE MUTATOR? Kings gave him presents because he was under a star? I WANNA BE UNDER A STAR DADDY! He taught at TWELVE? 12 deciples, betrayed, and then a bunch of crazy ass jews KILLED HIM BY SHOVING NAILS THROUGH HIS HANDS AND FEET AND LETTING HIS BLEED TO DEATH? OMFG! What? Then he... CAME BACK TO LIFE AFTER THREE DAYS OMG ZOMBIES!
That sounds soo much like
Horus of 3000 BC - Born Dec 25 of a virgin, star in the east, adored by three kings, teacher at 12, baptized/ministry at 30, 12 disciples, preformed miracles like healing the sick and walking on water, known as "Lamb of God" or "The Light", betrayed, crucified, dead for 3 days, resurrected.
Or even
Attis of 1200 BC - Born Dec 25 of a virgin, crucified, dead for 3 days, resurrected.
Maybe
Krishna of 900 BC Born of a virgin, star in the east, preformed miracles, resurrected.
How about
Dionysus of 500 BC Born Dec 25 of a virgin, teacher, preformed miracles (such as turn water into wine), known as King of Kings, God's only sun, Alpha and Omega, resurrected.
Mithra of 1200 BC - Born Dec 25 of a virgin, 12 disciples, preformed miracles, dead for 3 days, resurrected, known as The Truth, The Light, warship Mithra on Sunday.
I could name more daddy, but I wanna go to bed now. Crazy people make me mad. SNORE."