Nitronic
i had superhuman powers until my therapist took em
- Messages
- 2,026
To Prevent spam ove made all my funstuff in just one Post take a look
MBA and a BE Studen
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineering student wakes his MBA friend and says
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ....Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"
Woman Hiding Age
A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”
Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”
While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
BLONDE COMIC
CONDOM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the
store, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist, and he wonders, "What's so
funny about buying a rubber, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to
follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom,
starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to
follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you
follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, "Your house."
CONFESSIONS
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!!!"
MULTISYLABIC WORDS
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
WHY A MOTORBIKES BETTER THEN A WOMAN
* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
* Motorcycles' curves never sag.
* Motorcycles last longer.
* Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
* Motorcycles don't have parents.
* Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
* When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
* Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
* New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
* If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
* Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
* Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
* Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
* Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
* You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
* It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
* If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
IMPORTANCE OF NAMES
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
WRONG THING
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
SICKNESS
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
POLITICS
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."
3 Viagras
3 Viagras
A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"
CABBIES
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Little Johnny
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"
MBA and a BE Studen
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineering student wakes his MBA friend and says
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ....Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"
Woman Hiding Age
A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”
Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”
While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
BLONDE COMIC
CONDOM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the
store, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist, and he wonders, "What's so
funny about buying a rubber, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to
follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom,
starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to
follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you
follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, "Your house."
CONFESSIONS
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!!!"
MULTISYLABIC WORDS
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
WHY A MOTORBIKES BETTER THEN A WOMAN
* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
* Motorcycles' curves never sag.
* Motorcycles last longer.
* Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
* Motorcycles don't have parents.
* Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
* When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
* Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
* New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
* If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
* Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
* Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
* Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
* Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
* You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
* It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
* If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
IMPORTANCE OF NAMES
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
WRONG THING
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
SICKNESS
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
POLITICS
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."
3 Viagras
3 Viagras
A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"
CABBIES
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Little Johnny
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"
.